Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxury property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Of course, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, town historically known for historical society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It should be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the best. But now, we are building them with balconies."

Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and solely out of place. Intended by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:

A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour till the drone flies")

Along with a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable h2o. But yes, positive, let's have another position where American Gentlemen can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: supply everyone a collection over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

Based on files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"That is delicate power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he need to halt utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned about the job, replied, "You already know, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic folks. Good tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."

Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping types a giant Trump head seen from Room, a attribute being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… well, classified.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after obtaining the creating's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.

"It can be not simply unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Capabilities

Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:

A silent atrium where by attendees could ponder obscure disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local climate Command set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.

Regional Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Internet marketing System: "If You Bomb It, They Will Arrive"

The advert campaign, not long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:

"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Endlessly."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."

Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge shows:

34% say "it'd stabilize the world"

29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% explained "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Financial institution?"

Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"

The job is previously attracting attention from Intercontinental investors, including:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll obtain 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may also contain:

A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area Based on the Iraq War

Remark Segment Chaos

Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Won't be able to wait around to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Lastly, a lodge the place my PTSD can have convert-down provider."

An additional write-up from Trump Tower Damascus @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Effect

U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies suggest:

China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Closing Feelings with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

Within a closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:

"Damascus desired hope. It wanted gold. It essential a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave it all three. You're welcome."